When Your Female Friend Dumps You

The Dating Nerd is a shadowy figure whose whereabouts and identifying details remain unknown. What we do know is that he is really, really good at dating. He’s been on more dates than you can shake a lengthy bar tab at, and he’s here to help the average guy step his dating game up a notch -- or several. Need his help? Email .

The Question

Hi Dating Nerd,

I have a friend who has always been nice to me. We were really good friends and she used to hang out with me daily. We have shared a lot of fun moments with each other and everything that happened in life. But now, all of a sudden, she has stopped spending time with me and is out and about with some other friends and particularly a new male friend like she used to do with me. She also missed my birthday party this time and that never happened before. What could possibly be a reason of that?

I don't remember doing anything offensive or creepy that might have forced to do this. She also ignores my messages sometimes. Again, this is unusual. What can I do to bring things back to normal? Something in a least cringeworthy way.

- Confused

The Answer

You’re a very sneaky person, Confused.

What I mean is that nowhere in your question did you state the actual nature of your crisis. It’s like you went to a doctor complaining of bloodshot eyes without mentioning that you just smoked a copious amount of marijuana. Obviously, the problem isn’t just that you lost a friend. No -- the real problem is that you’re in love with this woman. I mean, come on. You wrote to The Dating Nerd about someone with whom you shared “everything that happens in life. Those words sound like they’re yanked from marriage vows. They may, in fact, be excerpts of the actual marriage vows that actually exist in an email draft somewhere.

Are you acquainted with the word “friendzoned, which is a terrible word that I never like using ever? You know, the word that describes the process of being deemed not loathsome as a person but not at all f*ckable by the person you want most? I’ll bet this is what the situation with your friend is. You’ve known each other for a long time, you were always taken with her, the smell of her beautiful flowing hair (or her beautiful not-flowing hair, or her frankly ugly hair), but somehow the romantic thing never occurred.

Before I go further, let me explain what my problem with the word "friendzone" is. The first problem is that a friendzone sounds amazing -- like, who wouldn’t want a chill zone inhabited by all their chill buds? The second (and more real) problem with it is that it’s used quite stupidly by most people who use it.

The dudes who say “friendzone are men who are outraged that simply being not an asshole in the presence of a woman doesn't guarantee that you get to take her pants off. They're dudes who get super angry when their female friends start dating “assholes, i.e., assertive, attractive people they secretly wish they were. They’re angry that the attributes women are attracted to don’t line up exactly with their own. They essentially think that women with whom they've been friendly have taken advantage of their affection while not putting out like they should. This is a dumb way of thinking.

RELATED: What She's Really Thinking When She Friendzones You

But, actually, this doesn’t describe most of the men I’ve met who share a situation like yours -- a situation where, basically, you’ve become a woman’s boyfriend in every way except the naked part. Most men like you, I think, are basically harmless -- you’re just not that confident about the whole dating thing. When you’re with the object of your affection, you’re in a constant state of quietly freaking out. You feel uncomfortable with female attention, but also uncomfortable without female attention. So you don’t make a move, then hate yourself. Or, you make the wrong moves, then hate yourself. Or you can’t get over someone who rejects you, so you become their best friend. You’re just kind of clumsy.

Making matters worse, the woman with whom you’re in love is a little insecure as well -- maybe a little lonely. Which means that, while she’s a little uncomfortable with being mentally Photoshopped into every porn video you watch, she also kind of likes how dopey you are. The affirmation feels good. I mean, she sees the way you look at her. She’s not stupid.

So what happens is you fall into this unhealthy friendship with no boundaries at all. You’re such an amazing, supportive friend that she somewhat successfully ignores the fact that you’re constantly dealing with a two-for-one special of romantic despair and blue balls. And she’s such a lovely, welcoming person that you’re somewhat successfully ignoring the same thing.

Nobody’s doing anything wrong, exactly, or even behaving badly. It’s just kind of an unhealthy dynamic -- especially because being someone’s fake boyfriend means that as soon as they get a real boyfriend, you’ve been replaced. The sweltering pain you felt on your birthday, standing there holding your warm beer, without the spatula or whatever she would have bought you -- that is something I wish upon nobody.

RELATED: How To Tell When You're In The Friendzone (Funny Vid)

But, and be real with me now, wouldn’t you do exactly the same thing as she’s doing now? Let’s say you met someone gorgeous and fascinating who actually wanted to have sex with you—would you be so worried about this friendship? Would you be worried about the size of your buddy’s new boyfriend’s genitalia? Probably not.

Now, let me answer your actual question. Can you be friends with her again? The answer is, yes. Yes, but.

You have to decide, really decide, whether what you want is actually a friendship. You can’t be the kind of friends you were before—that clingy, codependent, unseemly non-relationship is over. But you could be normal pals in a way that wouldn’t make her boyfriend plot your murder. You know, the kind where you’re not dying on the inside while she describes how she can’t meet the man of her dreams. This actually isn’t that hard, although the initial discussion would be about as comfortable as getting a tooth pulled. You’d have to come to her, hat in hand, (figure of speech, do not actually wear a hat) and say, hey, I know our friendship was kind of unhealthy before, but I’m really happy that you have a boyfriend now, even though it’s a bit of an adjustment for me, and I’d like to try and be pals again.

But I suspect that’s not really what you want. I suspect that your prevailing feeling is that you’d really enjoy taking her pants off. Well, unfortunately, if this is the case, you don’t get to.

The only way you’ll possibly ever see her naked without being arrested is this: live your own life. Be the shining example of manhood that you know lies within you, like when you’re the Hulk and you walk around being a nerdy scientist knowing that you’re the Hulk.

Lift a bunch of weights until a hundred pounds feels like a hundred grams. Get a few nice outfits (or a few nicer outfits.) Talk to other women. Cultivate meaningful friendships. All of that classic self-improvement stuff, which is classic for a reason. Stuff that’s good for you irrespective of any wacky romantic situation you might be suffering.

Then, maybe you’ll run into her a few years down the line -- or she’ll drop you a message out of nowhere. Maybe the boyfriend is out of the picture. Maybe she’ll realise how much she missed you, and be impressed by how you’ve changed. It’s even possible that she’ll suddenly regret never having slept with you, and she’ll want to rectify that problem.

It’s possible. It’s not likely. But it’s the only scenario where you get what you really, really want. It’s better than hoping and praying that the clouds will suddenly clear in her mind and she’ll suddenly love you and you alone forever and ever. It’s also better than becoming her friend again, but pretending that every time you hear the phrase “just friends it doesn’t feel like being poked in the eye with a tiny sharp finger.

Think you could use some dating help, too? Email the Dating Nerd at .

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